Outfits

It is Not About Booty

October 17, 2016
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The hotter it is outside, the harder it is to look dapper. Less layers, less options, less determination. You just wanna chill. You wanna sip your piña colada next to the pool, checking out either the passing booties, or your Instagram with booties on it. The biggest decision you wanna make is whether to go for a swim or to stay in your beach chair and check out some more booties. That’s life, you think!

And you wanna know what I think? I think, you are a fucking embarrassment. Pull yourself together, you lazy piece of disappointment! Them booties go to real gentlemen – with style and charisma. And how much charisma there is in your salad-green swim shorts with palm-trees on it, huh?

Act sartorial, dawg. Keep a light summer blazer close by, wear a good shirt. Even a pocket square would do! You might look a bit overdressed, that’s true, but fuck it, we all need some attention once in a while.

And don’t you worry about those stupid booties, who’d be giggling behind your back. They don’t know nothing! All they’d end up with is a pumped misogynistic dude in a tank top with a “Come Again?” sign on it. Classy.

As for you, homie, looking as sharp as you are now, you are gonna find your perfect booty, the booty of your life! And you’ll be the happiest homie out there! And everyone’s gonna be so jealous of you, having that high-class booty all to yourself. And you’ll marry that booty, and you’ll have little children, and all.

And one fine day, many years after, you’ll be in your deathbed, surrounded by all your extended family, with your loving bootie by your side. And you will look around wisely, gather all your strength and say something like:

“It was very sexist of me to talk about booty all the time. Forgive me, everyone. Most of all, you, Meredith (that’d be your booty’s name). I treated you disrespectfully, even after you’ve got your PhD in rocket science and saved that blind Chinese lady from a shark… Forgive me. It was never about booty… (Everyone’s crying and hugging you, your pitbull named Booty is eagerly licking your meek hand.) No, no, no… Now I understand.

It was… always… about… titties.”

And then you will die happily.

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See? That’s what I mean when I tell you to keep your blazer close by. You’re just casually carrying it around. Like an idiot… But hey, that’s fashion! So you know, fuck up and be a man about it.

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Yep, you push the sleeves up like this and all the ladies are gonna be like: “OMG! What a man!” And, wearing a pocket square as well, oh boy, you’ll never pay for your piña coladas ever again!

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You’re probably wondering, what on Earth am I doing inside the fountain? Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know, okay! I know, it’s weird. But I’m already here. So here you go.

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Those espadrilles are the best summer shoes I could think of. Trust me on that, you need to get a pair ASAP.

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You can tell by the look on my face that I’ve just spotted my Meredith, the bootie of my life! So, if you excuse me, I have children to make…

 

Shop similar:

Steve Alan Cotton and Linen Summer Blazer – $475

Farah Slim Cotton Shirt – $95

J.Crew Cotton-Twill Shorts – $65

Castaner Canvas Espadrilles – $195

Paul Smith Embroidered Gauze Pocket Square – $75

ASOS Rope Bracelet – $9

 

Photography by: Max Lemesh

 

 

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